My Superfluous Panacea

How did I come to living in the woods? That doesn't really matter. I will only say that it was the only place I could find within my price range and time-frame for moving.

I could spout off more than ten valid reasons for why I need to move from my present habitat. Some of it would sound funny, other parts would probably make you shake your head and question what goes in inside peoples minds. All I will say is that I live in the woods and it's not working out.

I have two animals. One cute, feisty and needy black kitty I call "baby". In 2002, she followed me into my house, jumped up on my lap and slept there for 4 hours. She's proved to be quite therapeutic over the past 5 years, and is the most loyal kitten I've ever had the pleasure to pet.

My other animal is "Yogi". He is a courageous mutt whose canine intelligence is only surpassed by his ability to melt the heart of all who meet him. My ex-girlfriend and I adopted Yogi back in the tail end of 2003.

A little more about Yogi.

I will always remember the day Yogi came into my life. My ex-girlfriend and I were walking through one of the local animal shelters, observing the behavior(s) of all of the dogs locked in their cages. There was an obese beagle with a bark that rattled our bones. There was also a trio of wiener dogs which jumped over one another with such grace that I actually pondered whether or not they were former members of a circus.

Then there was Yogi (well, at the time his name was Andy). Out of the twenty or so dogs there, he was the only one not barking. Instead, he was focusing on his food - taking small bites of food from his bowl. This was definitely one cool dog.

We went upstairs to "socialize" with Yogi. I was a tad nervous that this dog would latch on to my arm and go to town (I had a bad experience), but Yogi amazed us. We tossed a tennis ball and he jumped over the couch with a youthful bounce; on his last bounce he ended up dragging a hefty bag full of balls back to us. My ex and I looked at each other and knew we had found the newest addition to our family.

We have all had incredibly fond memories with Yogi. He is also one brave dog. Approximately two years ago we found out that he had developed a disc problem in his back (a problem encountered with certain dogs). His back legs were completely paralyzed and we had to manually express his bladder. His prognosis was not good; in the vet said that it would be a miracle if he ever recovered. Fortunately, the vet ended up calling him a miracle dog. Love, luck and proper care brought Yogi back from his paralysis. He's such a wonderful dog and I love him with all of my heart. Sadly, I know that one day he will succumb to this awful disease which he was born with, and that breaks my heart more than anyone knows.

Yogi is also allergic to fleas. Although I keep him frontlined, he still develops a skin infection when fleas bite him (read up on how frontlone works). He then chews on his back till he bleeds, and must wear a cone in order to prevent him from chewing his entire back off. I also think that he does this out of habit - as he has worn a cone 21/7 (and continually broken out of it) since December of 2007.

So now I am moving, and I have a dog and a cat. I will never be able to find another apartment which allows both a dog and a cat - I can guarantee that. The rental market has been crap in Santa Cruz, and I am hard pressed to find an apartment which allows a cat, let alone a dog.

Regardless, I need to move. I knew that this hell-hole was only temporary, but temporary became an essential word recently (if you want the reasons, email me). Additionally, I no longer have a partner who I can count on to assist me. I had asked his "mother" if she wanted to spend time with him (as I "own" the dog, yet they have the true "emotional" bond); yet she has either not responded, or declined. I do not want to portray her as a straw-woman though, she's just a growing woman who made decisions to better her life, without Yogi.

I had told my ex-girlfriend that it was my intention to move. I told her that I was having a difficult time finding a place which allowed both/either a dog and a cat. I received no reply. I can't blame her and she has a very poor image of me right now.

So more recently I gave my thirty days notice and immediately informed my ex-girlfriend. She was shocked. Instead of being met with compassion, she created a slanderous, fallicious blog in which she bent the truth and failed to take any responsibility for her own actions. As much as it angered me that she was spreading lies, I accepted the fact that she was angry.

I do know that I need to stop neglecting my own needs. It is time for me to focus on my goals. I'm twenty seven and I know that I cannot count on someone else to assist me with Yogi. And I need to continue growing...

I've realized that:

- I want a better job; a career. In order to do so I will need to put in some hard work.
- I need to "raise the bar" as far as my social outlets are concerned. I watched everyone settle in to their alcohol infused groove (and I fell right along in there). As that may be okay for some - it's not what I want or need. Instead, I want and need to partake in more positive experiences, with people who share a common drive to continually improve their lives. Damn, if only I had made that realization earlier.

While I am at it, let me list some other random things...

- I have repressed anger towards my father (childhood neglect stuff from when he had cancer?).
- I have self-control issues, especially when it comes to alcohol (why? that's coming next).
- I've carried shame for a lot of the things I've done while intoxicated. Good news, shame has become guilt (it's the next step).
- I have poor coping skills (anger and alcohol). I've been put in some situations which were way too difficult for anyone to cope with.
- I tend to put my love ones needs ahead of my own.
- My ego regressed back, and I have not emotionally available.
- As a result of this I became needy, and clingy.
- I've sacrificed my own goals and needs in order to assist others.
- Above all, right now I'm not really loving myself.

There's some other stuff, but I'm getting tired of writing.